My diary sucks because I wait 6 months to 10 years between. But it’s always fun to flip through the pages and read the other two. BLogging is the same deal - requires dedication and commitment for no money. I have to write enough as it is so at the end of the day all my good thoughts were used up somewhere else. That said I feel compelled to write that I’m very grateful in my life. I have been given so many opportunities it’s overwhelming.
My work is great, my 5 year old son is fantastic and my 28 year old son is really flourishing. My brother, who will be off parole next week, is so fun to hang out with. My husband is the most helpful and loving guy. I really don’t deserve him - but I do. I somehow. through all this, became sane enough to love someone who is sane. I use to get bored by sanity. There were always sane guys to choose from but they paled in comparison to a guy with issues, debts and a temper. How I came to be attracted to the sane is a miracle.
Lastly I have great friends. Great friends. 2008 has been my favorite year so far - except for 1999 and 2004
A time for him to rejoice and me to spend another 280 bucks on a restraining order. He’s not bad - he’s just shy and would rather steal from relatives than strangers.
I pictured having my own website that I would share witticisms with dark thinkers from New york to Amsterdam. Thousands of us would correspondence daily and new ideas would abound. Or ideas that we’d at least forgotten about and considered new. As it turns out I’ve had only three “fans” join me here and all of them have gotten so out of hand they’ve had to be blocked.
So, at this point I’m virtually only blogging for myself. And I’m not eve that impressed.
I wonder what effects I have on other people - and it’s so dissappointing to me - when those effects are bad. It’s not my dream. I aways think that everyone is like me - and that if I feel a certain way - so will they. I always think that what I say will be completely understood by another. And yet that hasn’t been the case as of late. It’s disheartneing to be so out in left field and think things are fine when they’re not. May be it has to do with the internet and that email is only so comprehendable - you miss the smiles and glances, and eye brows raised… that let you know you’re in the loop. Maybe men are so different than women that what we think we’re doing comes across entirely different. Maybe I’ve not taken responsiblity for my communication and so the ways it’s being construed are my own doing. I was engaged to a sherriff for three years and he always told me I was too friendly. He hated me to smile or say hi to any man in any situation. He said “Don’t lead men on by talking to them, just look at the ground when you’re out and carry your mace.”
My son and his nanny went to the Tar pits today and he came back covered in tar. It was as if he had fallen in - though his nanny assures me that that didn’t happen. When I asked him what he liked about his outing he only spoke of a man with a banjo singing songs outside. So, there is a possibility they didn’t go there and she just threw a little asphalt on him as they watched a street musician play. Either way it was good to get him out of the house for a little bit. And what’s wrong with watching a homeless banjo player sing - while being covered in dirt? Right?
It’s been so long since I blogged I forgot my username and password. Finally, after an hour, I’ve figured it out. I was talking to a friend of mine tonight. An old boyfriend, actually, from 1988, who used to be a stripper, back when anyone who had a good body and a boom box earned a living taking their clothes off to Madonna and George Michael. The point is he insists on finding the girl of his dreams - who is apparently, 20 years younger and looks like a Victoria Secret’s model. When I try to get him to consider dating those who might actually say “yes” he refuses. “I’m not going to be the one who compromises. The girls I date are going to have to do it.” So if any runway girls read this who’d like to hook up with a past-his-prime stripper - please let me know. For the rest of you - I hope you have a Merry Xmas…. goodnight
Today is Mariana’s birthday - I have no idea how old she is - even though we’ve been friends for 15 years. I hope she’s having a wonderful day - she deserves it.